A Haitian friend of mine who is married to a Frenchman and raising her kids in Paris said to me once that she was afraid of what was going to happen to her when she gets old. She told me that her kids do not have the sense of responsibility towards aging parents and her 7 year-old already talked of putting her “away” at the first sign of diminished capacity. I told her that maybe it was because they didn’t have a lot of older family members living with them like we did growing up, but she was convinced it was their generation.
I am very fortunate to have my grandmother alive and kicking at 83. The idea of her living somewhere other than with one of her children or grandchildren NEVER crossed my mind. While growing up, she went back and forth to Haiti and while in the states would rotate amongst family members. We always wanted to know when and how long she would spend with us because the ones she visited the longest would show who her favorites were (she never confirmed this by the way). My grandmother is probably not like most 83 year-olds in that she can still cook and clean all on her own. The only reason she insists on having someone in the house with her is so she doesn’t get lonely.
But, even if she weren’t able to take care of herself, I don’t think we would consider letting someone else take the charge. With everyone’s busy lives, we would find some way to make it work (it’s a good thing she had 7 kids 
). That’s just what is done in the Haitian culture, but I’ve seen that change amongst 2nd generation immigrants. I sense that they don’t feel the stigma of choosing alternative forms of care that their parents did. So, I can understand my friend’s worry about what will happen to her should she live to 80.
The difficult part about this cultural expectation is that it’s best taught through example. Having my grandmother with us from time to time made me comfortable with the idea that I would be doing the same for my mother one day. We are lucky that both my mom and mother-in-law visit us quite frequently. Hopefully, that will start teaching my kids the lesson I learned and I will never have to be away from family in my old age.
How does your culture deal with aging parents?
