Is it a lonely life or preferred solitude?
A friend of mine who is Colombian-American and has spent a lot of time abroad once said to me “Life in the States is so lonely.”
I nodded to him in agreement – only somewhat understanding what he meant. I think it depends how adaptable we are – I for one have never felt lonely in the States. However, in comparison to other countries it can seem that Americans do spend a lot time alone.
For me, it stands out here mostly when I decide to venture out by myself. If I choose to stop at a cafe and have a cup of tea, within minutes I can see that I am the only person sitting alone. Maybe it’s the combination of being in a foreign culture and not speaking the language, but it does get to me. I watch the other people engaged in what looks like very interesting conversations. Most of all, they look happy.
When I think about why it bothers me here more so than the States, it’s because I would not be the only one eating alone there. Of course there are always people eating lunch together, but it’s also common for people to eat alone.
So, the question is – am I lonelier there or do I prefer the solitude. I think because it’s the way of life, I am fine with being alone. In the States, I go the movies alone, go shopping alone and eat out alone. And not because I don’t have a choice, I actually prefer it.
For those of you abroad, do you notice this difference, too? If you live in the States, do you ever feel like the culture forces solitude?
Tags: Americans abroad, Caracas, Cultural Adaptation, Cultural Assimilation, Cultural Norms, Culture, Expat Families, Expatriates, Thoughts, Venezuela
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Hi Babe! Thanks for writing this-I am Nigerian and lived in the US for 8 straight years. I was mostly in NY and MA…and for the record I am an outgoing introvert (if that makes sense)-I love my own company and make time to enjoy a lot of “me time” but also enjoy connecting with other people of substance on a real level.
It is my personal opinion that on the east coast there is a unspoken culture that encourages social superficiality in terms of relational dynamics between people. In boarding school there were loads of social atmospheres created by the student body that were filled up with the presence of (unhealthy) food, talks about the weather, pop topics or flirty conversations that would often lead to people leaving together. The same applies to my college years and although I never officially worked in the US, I did observe from others that it is a similar situation in the corporate world-where such socials are created between coworkers….
My point is: It seems that there is a lot of surface camaraderie but not many true and intimate connections between people; no (real) friendships formed. At the end of these socials-many people go back to their dorms (or home) not even remembering each other’s names and definitely not feeling like they can call on each when real life kicks in-alone, and lonely. And outside of school/work-it is really difficult to meet people if you are not into clubs. bars etc. and even at the quality…is questionable.
I was always and still am someone who would rather be alone in my own (true) company than go out to be with other people who know nothing of who I am, do not care to know, and most likely do not even know who they are themselves either. I prefer solitude.
Wow, your response speaks volumes! May I ask how long ago you lived in the US? I ask because I think this very thing is going on with younger generations at an alarming level. Already, there is a bit of superficiality to American camaraderie, but the Millennium generation (those born after 1980) have something else happening. For instance, I met a Peruvian once who was pleasantly surprised when she came to the US and saw that people always asked her how she was doing, even the cashier at the supermarket. She said that never happened in Lima. Then one day when she was checking out, the cashier said "how are you?" and she answered "not good, my roommate's cat just died.". The cashier responded "oh, that's good." At that point, she realized they asked the question, but didn't really care how you were doing – it is just a matter of speak. On the other level, people have the opportunity to form stronger bonds through school, work, etc., but like you said those are hard to come by. I don't think this problem is limited to Americans (I had similar experiences with French people), but it does lead to feeling lonely. I'm starting to think that people in poorer countries are much better at building and maintaining good relationships. Are you back in Nigeria?
I love solitude and I need certain amounts of it to thrive. However, I have noticed after spending quite a bit of time in Brazil, that yes, the US is a very surface place as Zara mentioned, especially in larger cities (I’ve noticed it in DC, Atlanta, NY and LA). People don’t spend the time to just talk here just because. Everything is busy. Most people are preoccupied with things. I never realized how much I disliked it until I left the country.
I’m now trying to explore Atlanta after living in DC after years. I don’t know many people here and trying to build a new social network is an especially daunting task. So yeah, I think the US can be lonely. I often tell Brazilians it would be an adjustment for them.
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You know, Shannon, I think you will eventually get used to it again and not notice it as lonely – per se. After spending a year abroad the first time, I thought that Americans had it all wrong at first. They didn't realize what they were missing by not being more open to building stronger relationships. Unfortunately after a while, I got sucked back into the same lifestyle. However, after living abroad again and moving back, I found a way to balance the two a lot better. I enjoyed my alone time, but I also made an extra effort to build lasting relationships – sometimes to the complete surprise of my American friends
Yeah, I agree. I definitely wouldn’t say Americans have it all wrong, but there is a drastic difference. And this is coming from someone that is notorious for seeking solitude!
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