One moment of patience may ward off great disaster.  One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. ~Chinese Proverb

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to write about this, but Venezuelans have an amazing ability to form and stand in line – otherwise known as the cola.The idea to finally write about this phenomenon came after I recently saw people standing in line to get on an elevator. Yes, an elevator. I saw about 10 people in the line and had to do a double-take to make sure that there wasn’t something being handed out. Every morning when I’m taking the kids to school, you can see lines 30 to 40 people deep waiting for buses. I’m always impressed by the patience Venezuelans show when waiting and it’s probably because they know that eventually, they’ll get their turn.

What’s so interesting about these colas is that often no one has to ask that they be formed. In the US, there are places you go that have signs indicating  where the line starts, as well as a roped off area to help make sure the line remains orderly – completely unnecessary here. I remember discussing this with a friend who is also a foreigner and she said it’s so ingrained that if she’s standing talking with more than one person, someone will inevitably come up and ask “aqui esta la cola?” or “is the line here?”. So, it’s as if it’s become an inherent part of the culture.

I noticed that my kids have started picking up on this, too. I couldn’t believe my eyes when my little guy (3 years-old) stood patiently in line for 20 minutes to have his face painted by Spiderman at a party. While I will probably never enjoy standing in line, I can appreciate that they’re being given this subtle lesson in patience…Lord knows their generation needs it.

It dawned on me last week that as much as I’ve talked about getting settled here, the kids’ assimilation, etc., I have yet to discuss how moving to Caracas has affected my marriage. I will first say that I’m no marriage expert and obviously each person is going to have a result based on their own experiences and relationship dynamics.

Expat couples in general

One thing that I’ve noticed with expat couples is that you can usually tell who has been in the game a while (e.g. career diplomats) and who’s new. The reason this stands out is because the way they interact with each other and others changes based on the number of years abroad. For example, I find the “older” couples when you meet them are oblivious to each other. They know how to greet you properly and ask the right questions, but you rarely see them say a word to one another. The newer couples are more affectionate – you can tell they’re a couple immediately – and they seem to use each for more support when they’re in an uncomfortable setting.

Expatriating is a very difficult thing to do. There are rarely any quick fixes to relationship problems and if there are, moving abroad wouldn’t be on that list. Basically, you both are going to be stressed out and transitioning in your own ways. In the case of most diplomats, there is the diplomat and the trailing spouse. The diplomat will face challenges with cultural assimilation, etc., but usually finds a built-in support system at work. The trailing spouse (that’s me ) can sometimes feel lonely while adjusting to all the changes and can easily start resenting making the “sacrifice” to be with his/her partner.

False expectations

I remember when I first announced we were moving abroad and people kept asking “Does this mean your going to have help?” Anyone who has lived abroad and hired a maid, nanny, gardener or whatever will tell you it’s overrated. You think that this will give SO much more family/couple time, while in the end it can actually lead to you disconnect more. Here’s how:

1) Eating meals prepared by someone else –> eliminates potential time you could have spent together cooking, or like in my house the time my husband would keep me company while I was cooking and we could chit chat

2) Household chores handled by someone else –> eliminates the communicating that would occur to decide who does what, which supplies are needed and all that jazz.

3) Kids’ activities are taken care of by someone else – > this one is obvious, but yes, you will probably end up spending less time together as a whole family and individually with the children.

Overall, you need to be more vigilant about time spent together when daily responsibilities have changed…your relationships will thank you for it

My situation

Now for my husband and I, we were off balance when I arrived because he was already 3 months into his transition/assimilation. When something was extremely frustrating for me, he had already gotten used to it. This wasn’t our first move abroad, so I skipped all the feelings of resentment, abandonment, etc. – I knew that we both made the decision to move and there were going to be difficult moments (sounds easier than it actually is).

After almost a year here, I’ve realized that we are much kinder to each other. I think we’ve learned to appreciate each other’s struggles and at the end of the day (literally), we want to enjoy our time together. We make more of an effort to do activities together – just the two of us – and that alone has improved the way we communicate. Although it wasn’t our first rodeo (yes, I watched Dr. Phil), we of course had rough patches that were a little easier to get through because of past experiences.

Whew! This is probably one of the longest posts I’ve written in the history of this blog. Who knew I had so much to say about relationships . Fellow expats, feel free to chime in if I left something out. Any questions?