It dawned on me last week that as much as I’ve talked about getting settled here, the kids’ assimilation, etc., I have yet to discuss how moving to Caracas has affected my marriage. I will first say that I’m no marriage expert and obviously each person is going to have a result based on their own experiences and relationship dynamics.

Expat couples in general

One thing that I’ve noticed with expat couples is that you can usually tell who has been in the game a while (e.g. career diplomats) and who’s new. The reason this stands out is because the way they interact with each other and others changes based on the number of years abroad. For example, I find the “older” couples when you meet them are oblivious to each other. They know how to greet you properly and ask the right questions, but you rarely see them say a word to one another. The newer couples are more affectionate – you can tell they’re a couple immediately – and they seem to use each for more support when they’re in an uncomfortable setting.

Expatriating is a very difficult thing to do. There are rarely any quick fixes to relationship problems and if there are, moving abroad wouldn’t be on that list. Basically, you both are going to be stressed out and transitioning in your own ways. In the case of most diplomats, there is the diplomat and the trailing spouse. The diplomat will face challenges with cultural assimilation, etc., but usually finds a built-in support system at work. The trailing spouse (that’s me ) can sometimes feel lonely while adjusting to all the changes and can easily start resenting making the “sacrifice” to be with his/her partner.

False expectations

I remember when I first announced we were moving abroad and people kept asking “Does this mean your going to have help?” Anyone who has lived abroad and hired a maid, nanny, gardener or whatever will tell you it’s overrated. You think that this will give SO much more family/couple time, while in the end it can actually lead to you disconnect more. Here’s how:

1) Eating meals prepared by someone else –> eliminates potential time you could have spent together cooking, or like in my house the time my husband would keep me company while I was cooking and we could chit chat

2) Household chores handled by someone else –> eliminates the communicating that would occur to decide who does what, which supplies are needed and all that jazz.

3) Kids’ activities are taken care of by someone else – > this one is obvious, but yes, you will probably end up spending less time together as a whole family and individually with the children.

Overall, you need to be more vigilant about time spent together when daily responsibilities have changed…your relationships will thank you for it

My situation

Now for my husband and I, we were off balance when I arrived because he was already 3 months into his transition/assimilation. When something was extremely frustrating for me, he had already gotten used to it. This wasn’t our first move abroad, so I skipped all the feelings of resentment, abandonment, etc. – I knew that we both made the decision to move and there were going to be difficult moments (sounds easier than it actually is).

After almost a year here, I’ve realized that we are much kinder to each other. I think we’ve learned to appreciate each other’s struggles and at the end of the day (literally), we want to enjoy our time together. We make more of an effort to do activities together – just the two of us – and that alone has improved the way we communicate. Although it wasn’t our first rodeo (yes, I watched Dr. Phil), we of course had rough patches that were a little easier to get through because of past experiences.

Whew! This is probably one of the longest posts I’ve written in the history of this blog. Who knew I had so much to say about relationships . Fellow expats, feel free to chime in if I left something out. Any questions?

That’s what a friend of mine said about the recent burqa ban passed in France. As a social liberal, my immediate reaction to this mandate is that it’s not right. But fine, if the French government wants to eliminate religious paraphernalia in public places, then the Star of David and religious crosses should be banned, as well. However, the rationale behind the law is that the French government considers the burqa to be a display of gender inequality as opposed to religious and looks at this as a way of helping to promote gender equality amongst Muslim immigrants. I can agree with the gender inequality aspect, but what religion doesn’t have oppressive practices for females?

The way I see it is that these types of laws are audacious. If government is now intervening to ensure that immigrant women have more of even playing field, it should first make sure that French citizens are leading by example, right? Well, the 2010 Gender Gap study published by the World Economic Forum shows that France has gone from 18th to 46th place, mostly because of the lack of women in high-ranking government positions. So, I think the Sarkozy administration should start promoting gender equality in-house before trying to fix other communities. What’s also tricky about this type of legislation is it can be a slippery slope. Will it stop at the burqa, or will it continue into other aspects of the Muslim religion? Moreover, will the government also look to expand into non-Muslim religions?

What I also find interesting is that while this law has overwhelming support by the French public, a Pew poll found that 2 out of 3 Americans are against it. I think that’s a reflection of Americans’ aversion to letting government dictate too much of their personal lives. Even with all the anti-Muslim rhetoric that’s getting a lot of media time these days, Americans have their limits when it comes to government involvement.

While I can understand where my friend is coming from, until there is more consistency and clarity in France’s decisions regarding religious freedoms, I can’t get behind this. What are your thoughts on the burqa ban?